Trust begets Love, Fear begets Hate
Tuesday, October 29th, 2024
This substack is not about my divorce. It’s about emotions.
However, as you can imagine, a divorce is a challenging and very eye-opening journey. And — for me — this process has shed light on the role, effect, hiddenness, and generative source of my emotions. All of which has led to this Substack.
To frame my state of mind as I write this, and before we delve gently into the four emotions I’ve highlighted in the title above, I’d like to share a small portion of my ongoing journey.
Since June, when I sought a divorce lawyer, and up until and including now, my emotions have been all over the place. Without going into too much detail, I have been my version of volatile.
I say “my version,” because what is volatile for me could be described as relatively calm and under control for others.
My survival over the years has been predicated upon my ability to do two things.
Create joy, positivity, and happiness “in spite of.”
And, retain a rational mind, in the midst of emotional chaos.
This is how I have managed, dealt, endured, strategized, and done my level best to protect myself and, more importantly, my children. In other words, “volatile” I was not. I was the opposite. Stable. A bulwark. A veritable port in the storm, as it were.
But today, it’s quite accurate to use the word “volatile” to describe myself.
As my dearest friends have noticed, I can dissolve rather suddenly into an emotional state I cannot exactly find a word for, but it involves the whole body and comes upon me suddenly. My normal M.O., this is not.
However, using the word “volatile” leaves room for confusion, because our society typically connotes violence or negativity to the word, and I am neither.
So, what am I? Let’s check the listed definitions for “volatile.”
evaporating rapidly; passing off readily in the form of vapor:
Acetone is a volatile solvent.
tending or threatening to break out into open violence; explosive:
a volatile political situation.
changeable; mercurial; flighty:
a volatile disposition.
(of prices, values, etc.) tending to fluctuate sharply and regularly:
volatile market conditions.
fleeting; transient:
volatile beauty.
Computers. of or relating to storage that does not retain data when electrical power is turned off or fails.
able to fly or flying.
As it turns out, my volatility is best described by numbers 3 and 5, both of which are related to the gradual unpacking or releasing of unseeable wounds I’ve accumulated over the years, at a moment’s notice, without my say-so. A state of affairs I accept.
I’m writing to you all today, because it feels as if our nation is also going through a divorce. Am I the only one noticing the dramatic increase in volatility of speech, imagery and in-person interactions between Americans? To me, this is concerning. Dangerous, even.
The level of bigoted hatred, slurs, insults, and overall vitriol — has gotten to such a point that I wonder if this is what it was like to live in the Southern States during Jim Crow? The cavalier way in which people (who you know to be otherwise honest, kind, fair and patient people) are flinging mud, impugning character, and making egregious assumptions which they then pass on as incontrovertible fact — reminds me of how “white Americans” spoke about “blacks” in the Deep South.
Watching rainbow flag waving liberals who think they know everything and can do no wrong behaving like belligerent, racist members of the KKK, as they insult and speak down to or about those they deem to be inferior — IS NOT FUN. And, it’s a huge issue that I want to touch upon briefly — and immediately — as the Presidential Election of the United States of America is upon us!
There is far too much HATE in the air, wouldn’t you agree? And…
We cannot think clearly when we are overwhelmed by fear or the hate it begets. So, instead, let’s start off with…LOVE.
LOVE is a beautiful emotion to feel, but it doesn’t just pop up out of nowhere. It requires ingredients. Of those ingredients, many fall under the umbrella of “trust.”
There’s basic trust — this person won’t lie to me.
There’s experiential trust — this person has always been there for me.
There’s gut level trust — I can’t prove it’s true, but I believe this person is safe and trustworthy.
And there are probably some more!
Here is where things get a bit strange. What does trust do, primarily?
It alleviates fear. It reassures us. It replaces fearfulness with a sense of security. And what is fear a necessary ingredient of…? — HATE.
In other words, if you love someone (and it’s a healthy form of love) chances are, you trust them, because they’ve already proven themselves. And, by doing so, they made it not only impossible to hate them (because we HATE what we fear, so if we don’t fear it, then we don’t hate it) — but we begin to LOVE them.
Maybe as a friend. A family member. A fellow employee in the workplace. A neighbor. A romantic partner. The owner of your favorite local business. It doesn’t really matter — when someone is viewed through our lens of TRUST — they fall gently into that place within our large, warm and soft hearts, where love exists.
Now, extrapolate this out to distant political figures who you don’t know personally.
If you are taught to fear them, with promises of the terrible things they will do, then how easy is it to begin to HATE them? Very, very easy.
And how easy is it for you to then HATE anyone and everyone who agrees with them, supports them, or votes for them? That’s the real danger…vote how you want, this is America…but what causes us to disown our family and friends?
HATE — which is fear manifest.
On the flip side, if you are given reasons to trust them, viewing them as reliable and wise leaders who will create valuable solutions while doing battle with evil-doers of all sorts — then, you will begin to LOVE them. Very, very easily.
What does all of this mean? I’m not sure. I leave it up to you to decide what to do, or not do, with this concept. I just think it’s worth ruminating on…
So sorry for your loss.