My Long Journey to God
In 2025, I'm sure to be talking about God now and again. This frames my position within my personal journey, giving context to future commentaries.
Friday, December 27th, 2025
I was raised by parents who wanted me to make up my own mind about God and the Universe. My Dad was an atheist, and my Mom was a recovering Catholic.
Around the age of sixteen, I decided to explore Christianity. I knew myself and my personality by then. I don’t do things by half measures and I don’t treat serious issues with casualness. I went looking for God, knowing that if I found Him, I would not be a “social club church going” Christian. I would take God entirely seriously and shape my life around His expectations.
There weren’t many churches in my small town, so I ended up at the most bible-centered, fundamentalist church I could find: a Foursquare Church. I worked on Sundays, so I ended up at their weekly bible study. And, inevitably, I asked this question, “What happens to all the people who lived in the past or are currently living without knowledge of Jesus and Christianity? If they die, without having the chance to know Jesus and be saved, what happens then?”
They said, “Those souls will go to Hell.” And, with that answer, I hit the brakes. The result being, I became an agnostic. NOT an atheist, and I’ll get into that in another Substack. But, what I basically decided was this:
“That doesn’t seem like what a loving God would do, but if this is His creation, then He gets to do what He wants. However, the world is filled with churches, and everyone seems to think they are the only ones who are understanding God correctly. Meaning, 99% of them are wrong on at least some details if not a lot. What are the chances I can figure out, at the young age of sixteen, which is the correct believing church? Slim. And, I don’t want to get it wrong, because God is too important for that. So, I will live in a place of humble hesitancy, unwilling to risk believing wrongly, and if it’s meant to be, maybe I’ll come to understand better in the future. At the very least, I will know the truth when I die, and then God will decide what to do with me, according to His will.”
In the years to follow, I’ve been asked about my faith (or lack of it) many, many times, and the above has consistently been my answer. And, to be clear, I’ve never been “prideful” about my conclusion or “agnostic” status, because I’ve always known it was, to a degree, a dodge. I’ll speak to this a bit more at a later date, I’m just trying to be clear, I admired the people who had taken the risk. My hesitancy was my own. I was, for lack of a better word, comfortable being patient and waiting until I would feel ready to, frankly, risk getting it wrong. And so, I’ve been in a place of deep respect for the beliefs of others, blended with a sense of comfort with my state of “not knowing.” Indeed, of the many church-going people I’ve known, any one of them could be right and whether they are or not really isn’t my business. That’s God’s business. My business, my responsibility, my obligation — as I saw it — was to myself and my personal relationship with God. And, I didn’t want to be cavalier or inconsistent in my approach. I was in a holding pattern for many years, knowing the right time would come when it would come.
During those years, I cultivated a relationship with “the Universe.” The Creator. The Source. The Life Energy that God most surely is. And, when I was in need of guidance, when I couldn’t do it on my own, when I needed a helping hand, I would reach out to “the Universe.”
How I did so will be the subject of another Substack, but suffice to say, I’ve been gently, quietly, and peacefully sure of God’s existence all these years, even if I didn’t trust myself to perceive the particulars, the details, or the enormity of creation.
To me, even if we were to 100% comprehend “the Word of God,” and His intent and meaning, on this Earthly plane we are still merely mortal — our spirit hemmed in by the limitations of the flesh. How, then, could we ever expect to fully comprehend something as incredible and awesome as God? In this life? This body? We can’t even “see” most of the waves of light that exist in God’s creation. Not with our eyes, at least. And that’s okay. Personally, I like to sit in the middle of the mystery and feel into the bliss of being a tiny mote, a speck, a wafting of dust, amidst all of creation. It’s okay to accept what I am, in contrast to God.
And so, I’ll be touching in on my faith journey from time to time. Yesterday morning, for example, I had a realization about atheism that I’ll probably share on New Year’s Day. I’m also familiar with the stereotypes, the bigotry of the secularists, the fears and labels put upon Christians by non-Christians, and the reality that many humans who claim the title of Christian will inevitably and “humanly” go on to commit sin upon sin upon sin, both in their own lives and publicly, “in the name of God.” These varied confusions, misunderstandings, and results of human blundering cause many to turn a jaundiced or judgmental eye on the entire concept of Christianity, and sometimes with good human reasoning. Delving into these perceptions that serve as an obstacle to the discovery of God, is something I am doing myself and I hope to share, as best I am able, going forward.
For now, know I am just a human. Flawed and imperfect. Judging you is not in me, as any judgmental energy I exert is best directed at myself. Not others.
With Love & Wishing You All a Happy New Year!
March
