My Final Months with My Mother

And some advice, for the living.

Saturday, September 23rd, 2023

Dear Freedom Friends,

As most of you know, my life is in flux right now.

My mother, who lived with me and my family for much of the past twenty years, died on January 3rd. After 25 years of managing an auto-immune condition on her tongue, with no change to its severity, my Mom decided to get the Pfizer mRNA injections in May of 2021. Over the next year, the sore in her mouth became notably worse, she had it tested, and the dentist confirmed that while it had worsened - it remained an auto-immune condition. They had no solution, just a mouthwash that eased the pain. In the summer of 2022, she traveled to her beloved Scotland and - on a side trip to Wales - contracted Covid. While she recovered from the basic Covid symptoms within a couple weeks, the condition in her mouth worsened dramatically, and by the end of September, her Stage 2 Cancer was diagnosed. This particular cancer requires extreme surgery, radically reducing one’s quality of life instantaneously, and with the eventual recovery from '“the cure” taking multiple surgeries over five years — and the life expectancy of such patients also being five years — my mother chose Death with Dignity.

It was our great privilege and blessing to support my Mom during this journey. She returned home to a family that was nothing but grateful for every extra moment with her. She was able to say her goodbyes to her closest friends, go on a “bucket list” trip with her daughter and grandsons to the Pacific Coast of Washington State, including a day trip up to the most northern and western point of the continental USA. These final months were filled with chocolate pudding and warm coffee with Irish Cream, every single box was unpacked from the garage, every beautiful piece of Portmeirion Dishware was lovingly given a place in our kitchen (finally replacing the less valuable dishes used while the kids and their friends were growing up), my Mom spend hours quietly reading through and mostly burning dozens of diaries from her life (allowing a perfect sense of closure on her life), and we were allowed to cut a Christmas Tree in mid-November (from our island’s own Augie’s Christmas Tree Farm). It was honestly the most beautiful Christmas tree ever! We watched our favorite Hayao Miyazaki movies, walked our favorite trails, went swimming almost every day at the pool, binge watched Netflix (my Mom and I discovered a South Korean Series called “Alchemy of Souls,” which I highly recommend), and played many games of Yahtzee. And then, she died.

Despite all those beautiful moments, my heart continues to break. It’s a slow, steady cracking, not lessened by time, because with each day comes another opportunity to miss my Mom. To miss our shared interests, our individual passions, our newly developing hopes for the future, and the sweetness, wisdom, patience and deep love that was my Mother. I earnestly miss the adventures and travels we were beginning to plan, as my sons were hitting their stride and becoming not merely “legally adult,” but actually adult.

Even harder is the realization that, while my Mom and I lived together and loved one another openly and deeply, our enjoyment of one another was limited by the inevitable tensions that develop between parents and their children. Only when my mother’s transition was upon us, with a bare handful of months left, did all of that fall away completely. We were getting there, but we weren’t fully there yet, and for this, I feel deep regret.

Sadly, I am not alone. The world is in mourning, as far too many gentle souls pass beyond our reach. Most are not noted by the world. They do not receive a token fifteen minutes of media attention. There are no monuments erected to their memory. Yet, they have value. Real value. And the world is shedding such value far too quickly at this time — leaving regret and sadness in its place.

With each death, a door is closed, and opportunities to live, love and adventure together are lost. What have I learned? Do not waste the time you have. Do not allow trivialities and history to impede your connection with those who you love and who love you. With intention, move those blockages as smoothly and quickly as you can, and live your life as if you (and those you love) have only a few more months on this beautiful planet.

If you’re lucky, you’ll be here decades longer. And if so, imagine how much better those decades will be, lived thusly?

~ March